Dear Overzealous Hipstamatic iPhone app (and/or similar applications on whatever phone you may be using) Owners:  1. We all know you took that picture on your phone. No one believes you used a Lomo, or a Holga, or even a Walgreens brand disposable film camera. It’s a cell phone picture, OK? 2. Turning it red, making it blurry, fraying the edges, upping the contrast, over lightening the exposure - none of these things make your cell phone pictures any better, no matter how impressed you are with your own photographic prowess.  3. If you’re going to use it, fine. Use it in moderation. Every photo doesn’t need treatment. You’re about as bad as those people that won’t let go of Poladroid.  4. We’ve all seen that tree before. Stop taking pictures of it. 

Dear Overzealous Hipstamatic iPhone app (and/or similar applications on whatever phone you may be using) Owners: 

1. We all know you took that picture on your phone. No one believes you used a Lomo, or a Holga, or even a Walgreens brand disposable film camera. It’s a cell phone picture, OK?

2. Turning it red, making it blurry, fraying the edges, upping the contrast, over lightening the exposure - none of these things make your cell phone pictures any better, no matter how impressed you are with your own photographic prowess. 

3. If you’re going to use it, fine. Use it in moderation. Every photo doesn’t need treatment. You’re about as bad as those people that won’t let go of Poladroid. 

4. We’ve all seen that tree before. Stop taking pictures of it. 

Dear Tom Hardy, My bucket list consists of the following: Hear Tom Hardy say my name. Touch Tom Hardy’s lips (DEM LIPS). Touch Tom Hardy’s penis. Have sex with Tom Hardy. Die while spooning with Tom Hardy (I’m the little spoon). OK bye.

Dear Tom Hardy,

My bucket list consists of the following:

  • Hear Tom Hardy say my name.
  • Touch Tom Hardy’s lips (DEM LIPS).
  • Touch Tom Hardy’s penis.
  • Have sex with Tom Hardy.
  • Die while spooning with Tom Hardy (I’m the little spoon).

OK bye.

Dear Christina, I feel like I don’t know you anymore. I feel like you’ve lost yourself, and I’m worried. I miss my Genie in a Bottle. Hell, I’d even settle for you Dirty or in that faux Marilyn Monroe stage. I look at you now and I see some weird Lady Gaga ripoff and that’s really not a good thing. Only Gaga can be Gaga, girl. I mean, I know you’ve denied the comparisons but c’mon - it’s obvious. You know it, I know it. Now, your album has flopped. I guess saying “fuck you if you don’t like it” to those of us who buy your albums wasn’t really such a good idea, was it? ‘Cause we didn’t like.

Dear Christina,

I feel like I don’t know you anymore. I feel like you’ve lost yourself, and I’m worried. I miss my Genie in a Bottle. Hell, I’d even settle for you Dirty or in that faux Marilyn Monroe stage. I look at you now and I see some weird Lady Gaga ripoff and that’s really not a good thing. Only Gaga can be Gaga, girl. I mean, I know you’ve denied the comparisons but c’mon - it’s obvious. You know it, I know it.

Now, your album has flopped. I guess saying “fuck you if you don’t like it” to those of us who buy your albums wasn’t really such a good idea, was it? ‘Cause we didn’t like.

Dear Robert, I don’t have much to say to you, but I was thinking today about how amazing you are. Your comeback has been incredible. You were all kinds of fucked up a little while ago, but you’d never know it now. If I could shake your hand, I’d shake it real hard, sir. 

Dear Robert,

I don’t have much to say to you, but I was thinking today about how amazing you are. Your comeback has been incredible. You were all kinds of fucked up a little while ago, but you’d never know it now. If I could shake your hand, I’d shake it real hard, sir. 

Dear Hayden, I understood you dating a much older man in the form of Milo Ventimiglia. Not only does he look very young, but he’s really quite attractive. This, this man you currently call your boyfriend, (which I feel weird calling him because that huge old thing is most certainly not a boy) I do not understand. I would very much appreciate it if you explained it to me, and the rest of the world.

Dear Hayden,

I understood you dating a much older man in the form of Milo Ventimiglia. Not only does he look very young, but he’s really quite attractive. This, this man you currently call your boyfriend, (which I feel weird calling him because that huge old thing is most certainly not a boy) I do not understand. I would very much appreciate it if you explained it to me, and the rest of the world.
Dear William, I need for you to stop making music. I need for you to stop making music because all of it - every awful melody - is incredibly catchy and I’m tired of punctuating my days with “I gotta feelin’…”. I am especially horrified that in the mere seconds it takes me to turn my radio or television station, your music is able to infiltrate my psyche to the extent that I know it all by heart despite how forcefully I wish it weren’t so. When I went to Target last night, minding my own business, just trying to pick up some toilet paper and a thank you card, “Imma Be” was blasting. On repeat. Who does that? What store does that - puts a song on repeat I mean? I have an undying love for Target that even you cannot take away, but enough is enough. You make bad music that won’t leave me alone, no matter how I try to avoid it, so I implore you kind sir: stop.

Dear William,

I need for you to stop making music. I need for you to stop making music because all of it - every awful melody - is incredibly catchy and I’m tired of punctuating my days with “I gotta feelin’…”. I am especially horrified that in the mere seconds it takes me to turn my radio or television station, your music is able to infiltrate my psyche to the extent that I know it all by heart despite how forcefully I wish it weren’t so.
When I went to Target last night, minding my own business, just trying to pick up some toilet paper and a thank you card, “Imma Be” was blasting. On repeat. Who does that? What store does that - puts a song on repeat I mean?
I have an undying love for Target that even you cannot take away, but enough is enough. You make bad music that won’t leave me alone, no matter how I try to avoid it, so I implore you kind sir: stop.
Dear Gerard Butler, I was on Rotten Tomatoes last night and I saw that The Bounty Hunter has an 8% fresh rating. In case you weren’t aware, that’s tragically bad. On the other hand How To Train Your Dragon has a 97% fresh rating, which is really really good! I’m writing to you because I feel like I’ve pin pointed why your two films are having such polar opposite reactions. It’s your accent. You are Scottish. You need to stay Scottish. You did this in How To Train Your Dragon and look! Success! You are not American. You cannot imitate American, you can not pretend American. When you do, it’s painful to listen to, and painful to watch - which is saying a lot because you’re so easy on the eyes, you know? I know that to have a future in Hollywood, you’re going to have to continue attempting to be American. Which is fine: I’m just just trying to help here. But maybe in the future, you could check to see if a director would be willing to transform a character into a Scotsman just for you?

Dear Gerard Butler,

I was on Rotten Tomatoes last night and I saw that The Bounty Hunter has an 8% fresh rating. In case you weren’t aware, that’s tragically bad. On the other hand How To Train Your Dragon has a 97% fresh rating, which is really really good!
I’m writing to you because I feel like I’ve pin pointed why your two films are having such polar opposite reactions. It’s your accent. You are Scottish. You need to stay Scottish. You did this in How To Train Your Dragon and look! Success! You are not American. You cannot imitate American, you can not pretend American. When you do, it’s painful to listen to, and painful to watch - which is saying a lot because you’re so easy on the eyes, you know?
I know that to have a future in Hollywood, you’re going to have to continue attempting to be American. Which is fine: I’m just just trying to help here. But maybe in the future, you could check to see if a director would be willing to transform a character into a Scotsman just for you?
Dear Ned, Yeah, I know your name’s not really Ned but you’ll always be The Piemaker to me. I miss you. Incredibly so. You and Chuck and Emerson and Olive…all of you were taken from us much too soon and I’ll never forgive ABC. Idiot bureaucrats, right? Anyway, I’m writing to you today to express my sincerest condolences over your next film. I’m sure when you signed on to do it, it seemed like a grand idea. I can only imagine how you must feel after seeing that trailer. Hurt? Disappointed? Betrayed? Embarrassed? Yes, I’d think that any of those would be proper emotional responses. I’m really, very sorry. Hold your head up high, Ned. Let George Lopez take the fall for this one - it’s really easy to blame him for making anything that could have been good sooo not.

Dear Ned,

Yeah, I know your name’s not really Ned but you’ll always be The Piemaker to me. I miss you. Incredibly so. You and Chuck and Emerson and Olive…all of you were taken from us much too soon and I’ll never forgive ABC. Idiot bureaucrats, right?
Anyway, I’m writing to you today to express my sincerest condolences over your next film. I’m sure when you signed on to do it, it seemed like a grand idea. I can only imagine how you must feel after seeing that trailer. Hurt? Disappointed? Betrayed? Embarrassed? Yes, I’d think that any of those would be proper emotional responses. I’m really, very sorry. Hold your head up high, Ned. Let George Lopez take the fall for this one - it’s really easy to blame him for making anything that could have been good sooo not.
Dear Katie Sokoler, You are “The Most Awesome Person in The World” for the entire month of March. No, it doesn’t matter that the month is almost over - this (imaginary) title is retroactive, and it entitles you to free…tea. Or yarn. Or whatever it is that gets you crafty folks excited (those things also imaginary). Enjoy it.

Dear Katie Sokoler,

You are “The Most Awesome Person in The World” for the entire month of March. No, it doesn’t matter that the month is almost over - this (imaginary) title is retroactive, and it entitles you to free…tea. Or yarn. Or whatever it is that gets you crafty folks excited (those things also imaginary). Enjoy it.
Dear Julia Allison, You are bothersome. The fact that you are the bane of so many people’s existence is of your own doing, but it doesn’t excuse the bile people spew about and/or to you. I don’t care for you, so I ignore you. It’s not that hard. I feel really sorry for you, but I feel more sorry for those that are so intent on bringing you down, hiding behind their computer screens. I hope that you realize that putting your entire life on the internet is just opening up a can of worms that isn’t worth it, and I hope that they find whatever they are missing in their lives that makes them want to be so mean to someone they don’t know. You take that break, and you enjoy it. I hope that when you return you’ve either acquired balls of steels (you can buy some from pretty much any truck stop; I see them hanging off of vehicles down here in the South all the time) or that you’ve learned to shut the hell up.

Dear Julia Allison,

You are bothersome. The fact that you are the bane of so many people’s existence is of your own doing, but it doesn’t excuse the bile people spew about and/or to you. I don’t care for you, so I ignore you. It’s not that hard. I feel really sorry for you, but I feel more sorry for those that are so intent on bringing you down, hiding behind their computer screens. I hope that you realize that putting your entire life on the internet is just opening up a can of worms that isn’t worth it, and I hope that they find whatever they are missing in their lives that makes them want to be so mean to someone they don’t know.
You take that break, and you enjoy it. I hope that when you return you’ve either acquired balls of steels (you can buy some from pretty much any truck stop; I see them hanging off of vehicles down here in the South all the time) or that you’ve learned to shut the hell up.